I’m not saying that since moving to our new apartment we’ve actually been infested with cockroaches, and I’m not saying that now and again seeing the rogue roach crawling to its lonesome death in your living space is the worst thing that could happen to a person.

What I am saying is that stepping barefoot, in the dark, on a roach and feeling its insides squishing out against your naked sole flesh might be the worst thing that could happen to somebody — it’s got to be, right? — and that only narrowly escaping this experience even once is enough to change the way you think about walking around barefoot at night. And narrowly escaping it more than twice is enough to make you take regular precautionary measures for your midnight hangouts with your tiny baby:

1. Always wear footwear if you remember where you last left it.
2. When sitting, keep your feet off the ground.
3. Most importantly, before taking any steps on the ground, be sure to employ the flashlight on your phone to scare away any monsters that might be hiding under your feet.

I call it all — especially the flashlight part — my defense against the dark arts. It’s almost as good as a wand.

(As a side note: I would take a lone cockroach sighting every few weeks over even one scorpion encounter, so color me grateful here. Living in the desert. Who needs it?)